I wanted to get this blog up and running by August 26th but it has taken me a couple of weeks to get it up and running. (Cute, isn't it???) You see, August 26th was exactly 4 months before I will turn the big 4-0. And unfortunately, my big 4-0 is going to be BIG in more ways than one! Holy guacamole! What happened? I can hardly believe that when I step on the scale now the number in front of me begins with a '2'. How could this be???
I created this blog for myself, as a journaling tool as I try to get my weight and life back under control, and also as a bit of a creative outlet. I am going to blog anonymously, at least for now. So no specific names, places or faces will be mentioned. I need to feel safe here to write anything that I feel that I need to express or acknowledge. I have no idea if anyone else will find this blog or care to follow along on the ups and downs on my path to 40 and beyond. But just in case, I am going to provide a little background - a little review for myself to see how I got here and an introduction for anyone who cares to get to know me. So, here are some key points that may (or may not) be related to my weight.
• I was not a heavy child or teen. Never super skinny, but a normal, healthy size. Actually, I was a high school cheerleader! ( Not the little one who flies up and flips around in the air...the sturdier one on the base of the pyramid who holds one of the little skinny ones up on her shoulders and throws her up in the air).
• I am about 5'8". I think my ideal weight is somewhere in the 145- 160 pound range. I wear a size 10-11 shoe – I am not a petite person in any respect. At this stage in life, I would be very happy to be at 160, so that is my goal.
• I started gaining weight after I went to college (curse you, Freshman 15)!
• I have a pear-shaped body. I normally am small chested, but have a bit more up top when I am this heavy...about the only pro I can think of! I primarily carry my weight in my butt, hips and thighs. Though this is actually a healthier way to carry extra weight than the round, apple-shaped body types who carry their extra fat in their belly, having a backside that can provide shade for your youngest child is not so good for the ego! I have always admired people with nice shapely legs and thin knees and ankles. Even when I am at my ideal weight, my legs would be better described as...'healthy', or 'sturdy'. Images of tree trunks come to my mind. The only thing that changes with my weight is the variety of tree trunk my legs resemble! On a positive note, even at this weight, I still have a defined waist line.
• I started seriously dieting for the first time in college and did it successfully, if you consider 'success' to be based solely on weight loss. That time I accomplished my goal via Nutrisystem. I got down to about 135 pounds for about 5 minutes... At that weight, you can see my ribs, front and back - not my ideal weight, despite what their charts may advise. That weight is just not a reasonable one for me to maintain on my larger frame . Also, eating prepackaged food did nothing to teach me about healthy eating/lifestyle once I stopped purchasing them (and they were expensive)!
• I got married between my 4th-5th year in college (yes, I was on the 5 year plan), at the tender age of age 21. I weighed about 150 and wore a size 10 dress at my wedding. That was a good size for me.
• The picture of me on the right was taken by my husband on our honeymoon. (Yes, I am kissing a dinosaur and now I don’t remember why). That was what my butt and legs looked like at age 21 and about 150 pounds. Wow! Sadly, I considered myself to be too heavy then. What I wouldn't give for that body now! I would not be caught dead in short-shorts at my current weight. I know that I cannot build a time machine and get my 21 year old body back, and I do not expect to look that age ever again, but this picture is good reminder of what was and what might be possible, (in a more mature form, of course)!
• My son was born 2 weeks after my husband and I graduated from college ... just 9 months and 4 days after our wedding ... surprise! The last time I weighed as much as I do now, I was 9 months pregnant with my son. He is a senior in high school this year. Despite being sick while pregnant, all 9 months, morning, noon and night, I gained about 60-65 pounds in that time period...go figure!
• About a year and a half following the birth of my son, I was still carrying around about 30 or so pounds of pregnancy weight and did the Nutrisystem diet plan again and got back down to a size 8 and the lowest weight I had been since college (around 140). I went back to work and did not maintain the weight loss for long.
• My weight seems to peak about every 5 years, and then go back down. I am about due for a 'down' trend and would like to make this one permanent! Rather than focusing on losing the weight, I want to focus on having a healthier, stronger body. Of course, I also want the weight loss!
• My last successful weight loss was in 2005 (the year of our big interstate move) and was accomplished with the Weight Watchers points program, which I started along with a friend who just had just given birth to her second baby. I lost about 25 pounds very quickly (about 3 months) and then an additional 15-20 over the next year or so. I did not follow the maintenance program like I should have and it has all come back in six years, plus a few. I think WW is a pretty solid program with a proven track record and a sensible eating plan, so that is what I am going to follow again. This time, I want to make it to maintenance and become a lifetime member! I have been doing the online program since January (or more accurately, paying for and NOT doing the online program since January). So, yesterday I went to a face-to-face meeting with a wonderful friend and we both signed up for the Monthly Pass program. That means weekly weigh-ins for REAL (GULP)! That’s good – I need the accountability. And having a friend meeting me there means I will actually show up.
• The clothes in my closet right now range from size 8 - 18. I had to break down and buy some 'fat clothes' before our recent vacation because I had out fatted my 'fat pants' (thus, the size 18's). I do NOT like to shop at what a lovingly refer to as 'the fat girl store'. Don't get me wrong - I am grateful that the store exists and that I am able to purchase something other than a moo-moo that will fit my body. They actually have some really cute stuff. I just am mad at myself for getting myself into a situation where I need their services.
• Back to my closet - I could actually wear the size 8's for a brief time in 2007 (when I bought them - for my son's bar mitzvah). Before that, the last time I wore a size 8 was probably 1996, in my post-baby dieting phase.
• I HATE to exercise. I avoid gyms like the plague. I don't mind walking, but have never been a runner. I am not a cyclist and I am not outdoorsy. I did enjoy a Pilates mat class I took a couple of years ago (NOT at a gym) when I got back into those size 8’s. I know that I have to get over this aversion to exercise and get my body moving if I want to have a healthy, strong body and permanent weight loss. My metabolism has definitely slowed down as I have aged. I actually am pretty strong now, but the muscles are hiding underneath a thick layer of blubber. I know that is not healthy.
• I hate that I am too ashamed of my own body to take my daughters to our neighborhood pool or to feel comfortable in a bathing suit at the beach or poolside. I guess I am sort of vain and I hate being/feeling fat. There is a former hottie lurking inside this fat body, I just have to uncover her and release her!
• The more stressed and/or depressed I am, the fatter I get.
• The fatter I get, the more my sex drive is affected. My libido has suffered terribly with my weight gains. I would be lying if I said this has not had a negative impact on my marriage. My husband has a very high sex drive! However, he is generally very supportive of me and seems to be honestly attracted to me regardless of my weight. It is not him - it is me! I think I have a very hard time allowing myself to feel sexy at this size, so I have a hard time getting 'in the mood'. My new strategy, which is working, is 'just do it' anyway, and you will GET in the mood!
• I like to drink a glass of red wine at night. Sometimes, I like to drink several glasses of wine at night. I know that this is a lot of empty calories that I really cannot afford to consume. I have considered stopping drinking 100%, cold turkey. But honestly, I don't want to! I like it, and to be painfully honest, the wine can help me with the previous problem I mentioned. There are alcoholics in my extended family, so I know I need to be cautious, but I really don't think I am an alcoholic (I know, I know...denial is the first sign, right)? I definitely think I am more of a hedonist than alcoholic. But maybe I should stop drinking completely. I am sure it would help my weight. I am still thinking about it...
• I avoided my 20th high school reunion in 2009 because I was ashamed of my weight and appearance. And partially because the people I really wanted to see weren’t going to be there. I would like to attend my 25th reunion in 2014 and feel proud and confident about my body. I don't want to be that person that her classmates don't recognize or think - 'Geez, didn't she used to be a cheerleader? Boy, she sure let herself go!' (And what is worse than not wanting people thinking it is that I don't want it to be true...and if I am truthful with myself, I need to acknowledge that I have let myself go).
• In the past 6 years, our family has had a major job change and interstate move, my husband has traveled extensively for business, I stopped working for the first time since I was 15 years old, I have struggled with infertility and all the prodding and poking that entails, our family completed two international adoptions to add our wonderful daughters to our family, my mother-in-law moved in with us for about 5 years (and just recently moved out into an assisted living facility) and we have dealt with some of her serious hospitalizations - most recently a near death experience where she was intubated with a DNR (do not resuscitate) order in place. Oh, I also have gone back to school to get my Master’s degree, on a part-time basis, and through a distance learning (online) format to fit with my family life. My youngest child just started full day Kindergarten and my oldest is a high school senior (yes, we are scouting colleges at the same time we are dealing with Kindergarten)!
• About a year ago I started having what I thought were hot flashes in the night. My mother had early menopause and I thought I was probably going through the same thing. I would wake up flushed with my heart pounding rapidly, have an upset stomach, and hot tingly feeling and felt sort of like I was detached from my own body. Once, when my husband was out of town, I wondered if I might be having a heart attack and considered calling 911. It got so bad and was causing so much sleep disruption that I saw my doctor (which I don't like to do). When I described the events to her, she strongly felt that I was experiencing anxiety/panic attacks...not early menopause (or heart problems). It is weird, because I wasn't consciously feeling anxious - I was just sleeping and would be woken up by my body doing all of these strange things! But my mother also had anxiety attacks and it can run in families. So, I started on some prescription medication which has definitely helped. Unfortunately, weight gain is a side effect of the meds. And for someone like me, who is prone to weight gain anyway, it is not a good combo. But (believe it or not), I would rather deal with that side effect than the terrible episodes I was experiencing in the middle of the night, which wreaked havoc on my sleep and my husband's as well.
• This one is hard to write. My mother and my aunt were killed in a horrific car accident this year. My mom had a double mastectomy this April, less than 4 weeks before the accident, and she was scheduled to start the chemo the week that she died. She died on a Monday, was supposed to have her first chemo that Wednesday, and had tickets to fly to our house that Thursday to see my son in a high school production before she started feeling the effects of the chemo. We were very close and I miss her terribly. I still can barely believe that I will never see her again. I think about her every day and often see her in my dreams. Sometimes I miss her so much it physically hurts. Sometimes, I just sob. She was spunky and warm and loving and wonderful and she will be my inspiration during this journey.
• My middle child is participating in a school program called 'Girls on the Run'. It is all about establishing a healthy body image, self-confidence, and a healthy life style. I need to get my ass in gear so that I can be her 'buddy' at the 5K run at the culmination of the program without keeling over. I am going to try the "Couch to 5K" training program so that I can 'run' with her on November 20th.
• I have committed to walking in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in May 2012, one year after the death of my mother. It is a 2 day, 39.3 mile walk. I have joined a team that my friend was on last year and I will do training walks and fundraising with them between now and then. The minimum fundraising goal is $1,800.00 per person. I hope that this will help me get moving and make my body get stronger and maybe help me shed some pounds a bit faster too!
So, that is My Big Fat Story. Are you still with me? That was a lot to unload on you, I know. TMI? I am excited and also nervous about making this endeavor official with a blog. I may fail and fall flat on my face. But if I don’t try, I definitely won’t succeed. And the big 4-0 will be here soon either way. What is up to me is just how BIG it is!
Labels: Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, Couch to 5K, Girls on the Run, Mom, My Big Fat Story, Nutrisystem, TMI, Weight Watchers
